I woke up this morning feeling a bit discouraged. As I look back on many old blog post, I see I have been up an down emotionally when it comes to my life. Whether its being a wife, a mom, or a missionary, I wrestle a lot. I was telling my husband this morning that I don't feel the same as I did when we first moved over here. I feel confused, I am searching to hear and see from the LORD and he again, is just not answering. I praise GOD for men and the way he created them to communicate, because Kevin knew exactly what my heart was saying.. Fruit... I am looking around for fruit of our labors. I see us laboring, I see us wrestling with loving our neighbors, I see it...That's the problem.. I see US. I am not trying to look at us, my motives are not to boast in us, really please hear me, in tears I pray that you hear my heart on this.... I so want to see the LORD... I want to see his GLORY in our labors... I don't want to die and not see the kids in our neighborhood just as worst off as the generation before them... I know I am being really self centered right now, but I am just being honest.... Kevin was talking to me about missionaries who were committed to the Lord's work... how some of them were laboring for 20 something years and saw no fruit for their labors...but the generations after them saw every bit of it!! that was encouraging.
As I sat in tears and listen to him this morning I just thought about our daughter who I would love to see on FIRE for the LORD right along with those her age living amongst us..but the TRUTH is the LORD owes me nothing!! I don't have to see a thing HE DOES...my HOPE should not come from our successes but on our faithfulness to HIM... Kevin was explaining to me that it is hard.. and its so easy to want to want to see fruit for the wrong reasons, i,e- to ensure your supporters that you are really over here laboring, so that you can share with other what " God is doing", or to just comfort your self that you are doing something with your life....
What happen to just laboring for the sake of WHO GOD IS, and WHAT CHRIST HAS DONE FOR YOU????
The hardest thing right now for me to come to grips with was what Kevin shared with me in John 3:7-9 that says "The wind blows where it wills, you hear the sound of it, you don't know where it comes from, you don't know where it's going, so is everyone who is born of the Spirit."
People are born of the Spirit because they're born of the Spirit and the Spirit goes wherever the Spirit wants.
Oh, LORD, I want that wind to blow so hard where I am, in my parenting, in my relationships. in my hood. Blow....please come blow!!!!
If I die and still see no fruit, I want my heart to be just as Isaiah's was when the Lord called him to preach to people whom he KNEW would not repent... "I have labored in vain, I have spent my strength for nothing and vanity, yet surely my right is with the Lord and my recompense with my God” - Isaiah 49:4
That helps me to be armed with HOPE with ministry of all kinds.... Aghhh....life, I tell ya