In my time alone with God I am studying God's grace. I am so desperate for God's power to be strong in my life. I was sharing with a group of women in our Monday night bible study that God has convicted me of my anger and frustration during the hours of 8-2. Homeschooling. I suck at this. It just brings tears to my eyes when I think about how hard this has been. I feel like such a failure. One of the heart issues the Lord just keeps bringing up is my battle to want to be in control. Most of my frustrations and anger come from not having things my way.
What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you?..... James 4:1
I love order, I wrestle with perfectionism. I freak out when things are out of wack. How in the WORLD did I end up in urban ministry, because bay,baaay, nothing EVER goes as plan here. God cracks me up!! (as I am balling like a baby right now) I am having to repent every morning towards my child, I told some friends of mine that my husband and my child will soon diagnosed me with bipolar if I don't get it together.
But...
That's it. I can't and wont have it together. God knew what He was doing when He called our family to this. This was HIS good, pleasing and acceptable will for me.I read the blogs of other moms who home school and I am amazed, many with multiple children and I'm like, "how in the world does she do all that", "SHE DID WHAT?-make HER OWN LAUNDRY DETERGENT??! What the heck?!!!! Clearly, I need to get saved!! (LOL)
That's when God uses a friend and His word to remind me, "Nicole, that's the grace God has given them, not you. What Grace looks like for me will not be the same for you." God promises to provide the GRACE I need to do what I AM SUPOSE TO DO. I cant preach this sermon enough to myself. God knows the natural bent of all our hearts and knows what idols we hold to dear. This is a way HE HAS CHOSEN to remove mine. I want to finish well with homeschooling and as one friend so wisely said the other night, "my child, is my neighbor" That's right, she is and I must love her as the LORD commanded, better than myself. Just as I want to love the poor, needy, the teenager around me, I must love my child in the same way.I must practice (because godliness just doesn't happen, it must be practiced) what it means to be slow to speak,quick to listen, slow to get angry. Remembering the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.
Pray for me.
For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age,while we wait for the blessed hope—the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good. Titus 2:10-14